Self Medicating

I tried to be "normal".  I tried to continue my life and "move on".  I met a guy, not dating, just a friend.  Chris was great.  He was really what I needed.  He didn't want anything from me that I was not in any position to give.  We hung out and did fun things and drank.  And drank.  And drank.  Chris was in the Air Force and liked to unwind after a long day at work, so we partied, way too much.

I soon found out that when I drank, the pain wasn't so bad, physical and emotional.  I drank so I didn't feel, and looking back now, I know how dangerous that was.  My grandfather was an alcoholic and I have addictive tendencies, so medicating with alcohol was really stupid.  Before I knew it, I was drinking every day, and all I wanted was to not hurt anymore, and liquor made the hurt go away.  Another bad thing with drinking was that I never get hangovers.  I wake up and feel just fine, so I never paid for drinking way to much.  Oh yeah, I also have a very high tolerance for alcohol and medications, so I could drink and drink and drink and it really took a lot to get drunk.

Thinking back, I can't believe how incredibly stupid I was, I drove when I had no business behind the wheel.  I could have killed someone, or myself.  The really sad thing was that I don't really think that the latter ever scared me, I just didn't care anymore.

This lifestyle went on for months.  Drinking and thinking about when I was going out again.

Fortunately, one day I woke up at 2 p.m. and realized that I was blowing through money like water and that if I didn't stop now, I wouldn't ever be able to stop.  So I did.  Chris and I remained friends, but we just did different things, and still had a wonderful time.  I will always think of Chris and the male version of me.  We were so alike it was disgusting, and we both loved it.  Sadly, Chris got re-stationed to Germany.  I lost my one and only friend and it once again broke my heart, and again, I was alone.