Mother's Day

Mother's day had always been a really hard day for me.  Mother's across the land were celebrated for giving birth, and I just sat quietly in my shame.  As a birth mom, I wanted to be recognized, but I didn't dare tell anyone, because I wasn't parenting and therefor did not deserve recognition.  R. and J. always sent me a thank you card and that really meant a lot.  At least someone acknowledged my status as a mother, and the agency always sent me a birth mother's card, and still do.  At our church all mother's were given a flower as they exited the sanctuary, and I just walked out quietly, because I couldn't dare tell anyone.  I tortured myself all the time.

There are lots of difficult days when you are a birth mom.  Mother's day is really bad.  Birthday's are always hard and any time that family is involved, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc.  Sometime a commercial on the TV or a song on the radio or a picture of a cute baby can just tear you up, but you just shove it down inside.  I don't know where this idea came from, but shame had a tight grip on me, and I didn't know how to let it go, so when times got hard, I just shoved down the pain, not knowing that eventually there is no more room to shove the pain down, and eventually you will blow.

Even as a step-mom. Mother's day wasn't good.  The kids made it very clear that I was not their mother, even though I never tried to be.  Even when their mom abandoned them and moved to Nebraska without even saying goodbye, I was still the horrible step-mom.  Once again, I came in last.

Things were filling up, and an explosion was imminent.