Time passed very slowely and I once again was faced with a severe depression. I wanted, or rather needed that baby that was no more and all I could ask myself was "What did I do?" "Did I give away my only chance at being a mom?" I knew that the choice of adoption was what was best, but I couldn't help but question what I did. I desperately wanted a baby, but knew that I couldn't handle another miscarriage. What was I to do? I didn't know, and the comforting words from everyone didn't help at all. Nothing that anyone said did anything to make me feel one tiny bit better.
I was very empty and only a baby would fill that emptyness but I was terrified to try again for a child.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Nothing more than a zombie
I was released from the hospital the next day and I went home. I walked in the door and headed straight to the bedroom and hit the bed. I'm not sure how long I was there, but I didn't leave for a few days. I just slept all the time. Fortunately, Rick could get the kids to school and home again and make supper, etc., because I physically and emotionally couldn't leave the bed.
Rick called everyone to let them know about the miscarriage and I just couldn't talk to anyone. After about a week I finally decided to leave the safety of my bed and decided to venture to the mail box and got the mail. I started looking through the various letters when I saw an envelope from our insurance, I opened it. Big mistake. The letter was refusing a bill, because they wouldn't pay for an abortion. I lost it. Retreated back to bed and when Rick got home he had to call and yell at the idiots that I didn't have an abortion, I had a DNC due to a miscarriage. It wasn't pleasant.
I don't remember Christmas that year. I know I tried to fake it for the kids and made it through somehow. I'm not really sure how long it took me to withdraw from the safe haven of my bed, but I was there for a good long while, and when I finally did leave, I was really nothing more than a zombie.
By mid January I was starting to come around, but I still couldn't look at anything that had to do with babies.
I missed that little one that was so tiny, that baby was mine. I saw his/her heartbeat and she/he was alive and then not. When I got pregnant I finally felt alive for the first time in my life, and then not.
Rick called everyone to let them know about the miscarriage and I just couldn't talk to anyone. After about a week I finally decided to leave the safety of my bed and decided to venture to the mail box and got the mail. I started looking through the various letters when I saw an envelope from our insurance, I opened it. Big mistake. The letter was refusing a bill, because they wouldn't pay for an abortion. I lost it. Retreated back to bed and when Rick got home he had to call and yell at the idiots that I didn't have an abortion, I had a DNC due to a miscarriage. It wasn't pleasant.
I don't remember Christmas that year. I know I tried to fake it for the kids and made it through somehow. I'm not really sure how long it took me to withdraw from the safe haven of my bed, but I was there for a good long while, and when I finally did leave, I was really nothing more than a zombie.
By mid January I was starting to come around, but I still couldn't look at anything that had to do with babies.
I missed that little one that was so tiny, that baby was mine. I saw his/her heartbeat and she/he was alive and then not. When I got pregnant I finally felt alive for the first time in my life, and then not.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
What Ifs
After I woke up on December 12th covered in blood, I woke up Rick and he immediately took me to the emergency room. They took me back right away and put me in a bed. The male nurse was asking me all these questions about how much I had been bleeding and I really had no answers for him, I only knew that I was loosing my baby. I kept asking if I was miscarrying and all he would say was that it was probably my body's way of telling me that I had to slow down and take it easy. I wanted to badly to punch him in the face. How on Earth would he know. A woman knows what is happening with her body, and I knew my baby was dead. I just cried and cried. Soon the doctor came and did an exam and said, "I don't know if you have miscarried yet, but your cervix is wide open." Then he walked out of the room. That was all he said to me. A few minutes later a nice woman from ultrasound came and confirmed that there was no longer a fetus. I just wanted to die. My baby was gone.
Rick was wonderful. He never faltered and was strong for me. I didn't want him to call my parents right away in case I was wrong, but he said that I really needed my mom there, and I didn't argue. It was around 3am when he called and said that I was in the E.R. and that I needed them to come. It seemed like only seconds passed and they were there. I found out later that Rick had also called his mom, and she said ok, and then hung up. He needed her and she couldn't bother getting out of bed. I also later found out that when my parents got there Rick lost all composure. He nearly collapsed into my mom's arms and she hugged him the way that he needed his mother to hug him. I am so thankful that my husband could be so strong for me, and that my parents could be strong for him. I couldn't be strong for anyone.
They took me to a room and before long Dr. K. was there to see me and she cried with me. I needed someone at the hospital to stop being so clinical and share my grief. I needed those tears. I asked where the baby went and she explained that since I wasn't very far along my body just absorbed the baby, and that I had two choices. I could have a DNC to clean everything up, or I could let nature take it's course. I'm not sure how I could think ahead, but I asked which way would make my body heal faster so that I could try again sooner. She said the DNC. I also asked why I miscarried and she said lots of things can cause a miscarriage.
To this day I don't know if it was stress of if I still had residual medications in my system that killed my baby, or if it was something all together different, but no matter, there is still a lot of guilt involved and a lot of what ifs. What if I had waited a little longer to make sure all the meds were gone? What if I hadn't let the kids stress me out so much? What if? What if? What if?
Rick was wonderful. He never faltered and was strong for me. I didn't want him to call my parents right away in case I was wrong, but he said that I really needed my mom there, and I didn't argue. It was around 3am when he called and said that I was in the E.R. and that I needed them to come. It seemed like only seconds passed and they were there. I found out later that Rick had also called his mom, and she said ok, and then hung up. He needed her and she couldn't bother getting out of bed. I also later found out that when my parents got there Rick lost all composure. He nearly collapsed into my mom's arms and she hugged him the way that he needed his mother to hug him. I am so thankful that my husband could be so strong for me, and that my parents could be strong for him. I couldn't be strong for anyone.
They took me to a room and before long Dr. K. was there to see me and she cried with me. I needed someone at the hospital to stop being so clinical and share my grief. I needed those tears. I asked where the baby went and she explained that since I wasn't very far along my body just absorbed the baby, and that I had two choices. I could have a DNC to clean everything up, or I could let nature take it's course. I'm not sure how I could think ahead, but I asked which way would make my body heal faster so that I could try again sooner. She said the DNC. I also asked why I miscarried and she said lots of things can cause a miscarriage.
To this day I don't know if it was stress of if I still had residual medications in my system that killed my baby, or if it was something all together different, but no matter, there is still a lot of guilt involved and a lot of what ifs. What if I had waited a little longer to make sure all the meds were gone? What if I hadn't let the kids stress me out so much? What if? What if? What if?
Meeting for Lunch
Backing up a little. Not long after Rick and I got together, it was time for Mom and I to go and visit my Grandma in Nebraska, we went every summer. It was a major pain for Rick's ex to take care of the kids while Rick was at work during the day, and we eventually had to agree to pay her to watch her own kids. Now that's a mom for you. Anyway, our trip would take us straight up IH 35 through Austin and Fort Worth, through Oklahoma City, Kansas and then to Nebraska where we would take a hard right and head to Lincoln. We had taken this trip many times and I almost never even thought about it beyond how far it was to drive, and that I wasn't really looking forward to being in the car for two days. Then it occurred to me. We were driving right past Fort Worth and Ryan lived very close to Fort Worth in a suburb. My relationship with R. and J. was still new and I didn't feel comfortable asking to see Ryan outright (I don't know why), so I devised a plan. I know it sounds silly, but I called J. just to talk and casually mentioned that we were going to Nebraska to visit family and would be driving right through her neck of the woods, hoping that she would want to meet somewhere. She did. We picked a spot to meet and I was really excited, Ryan was 4 and I had not seen him in person since the finalization when he was just an infant. I had seen pictures, but I really wanted to meet him in person.
The time came and we met them at a resteraunt and had lunch. He was such an awesome, amazing little boy. So smart, a little shy and very sweet. J. and mom and I talked and talked and we had a wonderful time. We took pictures and I got hugs from that sweet little man and eventually we were on our way.
It was at that moment that I realized, that was not the same little baby that I placed for adoption. It had been so long since I had seen him in person, that it was a complet disconnect. I cried all the way to Oklahoma City. The baby that I knew was gone, and there was this little boy that I did not know. It would not be another 4 years before I saw him again.
The time came and we met them at a resteraunt and had lunch. He was such an awesome, amazing little boy. So smart, a little shy and very sweet. J. and mom and I talked and talked and we had a wonderful time. We took pictures and I got hugs from that sweet little man and eventually we were on our way.
It was at that moment that I realized, that was not the same little baby that I placed for adoption. It had been so long since I had seen him in person, that it was a complet disconnect. I cried all the way to Oklahoma City. The baby that I knew was gone, and there was this little boy that I did not know. It would not be another 4 years before I saw him again.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Stress or Meds, I'll never know
After I found out I was pregnant, the first person I told was Rick. Next were my parents, Rick's kids, my sister then I called R. and J. J. was so excited for me. We were both so happy that Ryan would have a sibling.
Rick's kids were still living with us at the time, and the boys were ramping up the stress in the house. No one was happy. I tried to stay calm, but the tension in the air could be cut with a knife. Rick's youngest son was caught stealing, and the lying on both the boy's parts was out of control. I wasn't sleeping and with the morning sickness and the added stress I couldn't keep any food down when I was actually able to sleep.
Rick's ex was still in Nebraska, and we could never get in touch with her and that made the kids act up even more.
With the hormones and stress I was crying all the time. I knew that it was bad for the baby, but there was absolutely nothing that anyone could do.
December came, and for once, Ryan's birthday, December 18th, wasn't a horrible day. I was pregnant and could handle it. On December 11th, mom and I went Christmas shopping, it was a wonderful day. At one point in the day, I commented to mom that the next day was the 12th and the end of my first trimester and the chance of miscarriage would significantly decrease.
I dropped mom off at home, went home myself. I picked the kids up from school, another argument, ate supper, did homework, another argument, bath time and then off to bed. I was really tired and not long after the kids drifted off to sleep, I did too.
In the middle of the night, something woke me up, to this day I don't know what it was, but I guess I needed to go to the restroom. I turned on the light and saw the blood. Lots of blood, everywhere.
Rick's kids were still living with us at the time, and the boys were ramping up the stress in the house. No one was happy. I tried to stay calm, but the tension in the air could be cut with a knife. Rick's youngest son was caught stealing, and the lying on both the boy's parts was out of control. I wasn't sleeping and with the morning sickness and the added stress I couldn't keep any food down when I was actually able to sleep.
Rick's ex was still in Nebraska, and we could never get in touch with her and that made the kids act up even more.
With the hormones and stress I was crying all the time. I knew that it was bad for the baby, but there was absolutely nothing that anyone could do.
December came, and for once, Ryan's birthday, December 18th, wasn't a horrible day. I was pregnant and could handle it. On December 11th, mom and I went Christmas shopping, it was a wonderful day. At one point in the day, I commented to mom that the next day was the 12th and the end of my first trimester and the chance of miscarriage would significantly decrease.
I dropped mom off at home, went home myself. I picked the kids up from school, another argument, ate supper, did homework, another argument, bath time and then off to bed. I was really tired and not long after the kids drifted off to sleep, I did too.
In the middle of the night, something woke me up, to this day I don't know what it was, but I guess I needed to go to the restroom. I turned on the light and saw the blood. Lots of blood, everywhere.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Dr. K.
Rick was always wonderful and supportive about the adoption. To this day, he has never said a negative word about me or my choice, instead he is my biggest champion. I know that I don't tell him enough, but I love him deeply and he is just who I need in my life.
I knew that I was pregnant really quickly, because the morning sickness hit in a voracious way. As soon as the home test said yes, I started freaking out about finding a doctor that knew about RSD and could help me through my pregnancy. I looked in the phone book and there was one female OB/GYN in Pleasanton, and I figured that I would give her a call and interview her. When I called I spoke to a wonderful M.A. named Lauren and I asked her if she happened to know if Dr. K. knew anything about RSD. Her answer shocked me. "Her mom has RSD, so she is really familiar with it, may I ask why?" I explained my situation and she wanted me to come in immediately.
The moment that I met Dr. K. I fell in love with her. She was in her mid thirties and was what I would call an old country doctor. Down to Earth, easy to talk to and very laid back. I knew that she was the doctor for me. We discussed my condition and she said that she would look further into RSD and pregnancy and possible complication, so she knew what to expect and watch out for.
Awesome.
I knew that I was pregnant really quickly, because the morning sickness hit in a voracious way. As soon as the home test said yes, I started freaking out about finding a doctor that knew about RSD and could help me through my pregnancy. I looked in the phone book and there was one female OB/GYN in Pleasanton, and I figured that I would give her a call and interview her. When I called I spoke to a wonderful M.A. named Lauren and I asked her if she happened to know if Dr. K. knew anything about RSD. Her answer shocked me. "Her mom has RSD, so she is really familiar with it, may I ask why?" I explained my situation and she wanted me to come in immediately.
The moment that I met Dr. K. I fell in love with her. She was in her mid thirties and was what I would call an old country doctor. Down to Earth, easy to talk to and very laid back. I knew that she was the doctor for me. We discussed my condition and she said that she would look further into RSD and pregnancy and possible complication, so she knew what to expect and watch out for.
Awesome.
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