Backing up a little. Not long after Rick and I got together, it was time for Mom and I to go and visit my Grandma in Nebraska, we went every summer. It was a major pain for Rick's ex to take care of the kids while Rick was at work during the day, and we eventually had to agree to pay her to watch her own kids. Now that's a mom for you. Anyway, our trip would take us straight up IH 35 through Austin and Fort Worth, through Oklahoma City, Kansas and then to Nebraska where we would take a hard right and head to Lincoln. We had taken this trip many times and I almost never even thought about it beyond how far it was to drive, and that I wasn't really looking forward to being in the car for two days. Then it occurred to me. We were driving right past Fort Worth and Ryan lived very close to Fort Worth in a suburb. My relationship with R. and J. was still new and I didn't feel comfortable asking to see Ryan outright (I don't know why), so I devised a plan. I know it sounds silly, but I called J. just to talk and casually mentioned that we were going to Nebraska to visit family and would be driving right through her neck of the woods, hoping that she would want to meet somewhere. She did. We picked a spot to meet and I was really excited, Ryan was 4 and I had not seen him in person since the finalization when he was just an infant. I had seen pictures, but I really wanted to meet him in person.
The time came and we met them at a resteraunt and had lunch. He was such an awesome, amazing little boy. So smart, a little shy and very sweet. J. and mom and I talked and talked and we had a wonderful time. We took pictures and I got hugs from that sweet little man and eventually we were on our way.
It was at that moment that I realized, that was not the same little baby that I placed for adoption. It had been so long since I had seen him in person, that it was a complet disconnect. I cried all the way to Oklahoma City. The baby that I knew was gone, and there was this little boy that I did not know. It would not be another 4 years before I saw him again.
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