What did you just say?

Thinking back over the past 14 years I am constantly reminded how hurtful people can be.  There have been so many people that have said so many positive things when hearing about the adoption, but the negative ones are the ones that haunt me daily.  At first a lot of people had no idea and when something about adoption came up comments would invariably arise to tune of "how can someone just give away their baby to a complete stranger?", or  "why would someone just throw away their baby?".

Over time, after people learned about the adoption, they usually wouldn't say anything at first, but eventually their true feelings would come out.  "Why do you keep pictures of him, it just makes you feel worse?  You should just forget about him, you would feel better."   "I just don't know how you could do that.", and every variation of that you could imagine, but the worst one came from my step-daughter.  She lived with her mother and when she was 16 we found out that she was pregnant.  When I suggested adoption, she said "I could never give my baby away, I love my baby."

Luckily, we were talking on the phone.  I just handed the phone to my husband and went and cried.  That hurt so much.  That child lived with us for 2 years, I loved her and that really just tore out my heart.  To this day, our relationship is not the same.

I guess people don't really understand how words can just tear you up.  That is why it took nearly 14 years for me to start talking about Ryan.  It took that long for the words to not hurt so much.

Alone

After my injury, all my "friends" seemed to quickly disappear.  I wasn't fun anymore.  I couldn't go out and party and coming to see me was a real downer.  When I found out I was pregnant I secluded myself even more, and before I knew it, I was all alone.  I didn't have my party friends anymore, all my work friends had moved on, and I had no one.

It was just me and mom and dad.  That's it.  I was working to get some sort of life put back together and trying to figure out what I would do with the rest of forever, but I was very lonely.  I had no one to really talk to and confide in beyond my mom.  My entire life had just twisted inside out, and I didn't know what to do with myself, or where to go.

What do I do next?  What is my next step?  Where do I go from here?

Then I decided to go back to college/

The Finalization

Six months had passed since Ryan went home and life was getting somewhat easier.  I had relearned how to walk again and I was able to drive.  I was still struggling with common everyday tasks, but I was learning how to deal with my disability.

I got a call from the agency that the finalization date had been set for the adoption, and was asked if I wanted to come to court.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't have the judge look at me the way so many others did.  It's hard to describe, but that look people gave me when they found out that I had placed a child for adoption was worse than getting slapped in the face, so judgmental.  I figured it would be best if I didn't go, I just didn't need that again.

A couple of days before the court date the agency called and said that R. and J. wanted to go out to eat with me after court to celebrate, this I could do.  It meant that I could see Ryan again and maybe even hold him one last time.  Immediately, mom said that she wanted to go and see everyone, then to my shock and amazement, my dad said that he wanted to come too.  I couldn't understand.  To this point he wouldn't mention Ryan's name and refused to look at any picture, but now he wanted to come and see Ryan for the first time and meet R. and J.  I was blown away.

We picked a restaurant that had been a favorite of mine for years, a little Greek deli, that a dear friend owned and decided on a time.

It was awesome.  Seeing Ryan healed my heart in so many ways.  He was so handsome, and so big, and happy.  I could see how much R. and J. adored him, and their family was beautiful.  Looking at them, you would never know that Ryan was not their biological child.  Mom held him, and I held him and at one point, Dad even held him.  It was really good.  I guess dad just needed time to figure all this stuff out for himself, that is the way that men work I guess.

We took picture and talked and laughed and it was a wonderful day.

Lost Time

The next few months are a blur.  I'm sure that I was in fact there, but I have no memories of what happened.  I basically just existed.  I went to physical therapy three times a week, because I had to.  I went to psychotherapy appointments once a week, because I had to, and I went to Dr.. appointments weekly, because I had to.  Other than that, I'm not really sure what else happened.

I was still very quiet about the adoption.  Only a handful of people knew what happened.  I had secluded myself so much that almost all of my friends and all of my family except my mom and dad didn't know.  My dad never mentioned Ryan and that broke my heart.  It hurt my mom too much to talk about her grandson who was gone, and that broke my heart, and I could only feel the huge hole in my heart that that little boy could only fill.

I do remember getting pictures in the mail.  It was so painful.  I would get the envelope and feel it's weight and know that there were pictures inside.  Immediately I would cry.  I wouldn't open it, I just cried.  I would set the envelope on my dresser and as long as I cried when I looked at it, I wouldn't open it.  Finally, when I could hold it in my hand without tears (sometimes this could take weeks), I would open it, read the wonderful letter, cry, put down the pictures without looking at them, then eventually, I would look at the beautiful little baby that was no longer mine, and cry.

Quiet Time

It was done.  Now what?  My entire life changed completely but what is my next move?  There should be something that I should be doing, but I have no idea what it would be.  For about a week, I just felt really sorry for myself, but then life started again and I had to go to physical therapy, doctor appointments, psychologist appointments, etc.  I had some kind of appointment every day, and it really helped to keep my mind off what I just did.  I had to focus on me and try to get my life back in some kind of order.  I was still not able to walk, or drive and was still not sleeping (when that was all I wanted to do).

At the agency, they kept telling me that I should write a letter to Ryan to let him know my feelings.  I didn't know what to say to a child I only met a few times.  I started thinking about it, and I realized that even though I only knew him briefly, I would carry him in my heart forever, so I wrote.

I told him how much I love him and that I chose adoption for him and not for me.  I knew that I would not be the mother that he needed and knew that R. and J. would give him a wonderful life and love him more than anything else in the world.

It just came from my heart and the letter turned out several pages long, but the thing I kept repeating was that I loved him.  I never wanted him to think that he wasn't wanted or love, and that he was never a mistake, I have made so many mistakes in my life, but Ryan is not one of them.  He is a miracle.

The Breakdown

It had been a few days since Ryan went home with R. and J. and I was doing fairly well.  I was content with the choice I made and despite the fact that my supposed friend Tina, who said that she supported me throughout my pregnancy, gave me a horrible time when it came time for him to go with his new parents.  I guess that she assumed that I would somehow change my mind and decide to parent, and when I didn't, I was a horrible person.  Needless to say, I cut her out of my life and I am so glad that she is gone.  I really didn't need that type of negativity in my life.  I know that I made mistakes, but I tried to do the right thing.  Apparently she never made a mistake in her life and therefor can judge those of us who do.

It would be 6 months until the finalization of the adoption, but R. and J. promised to send pictures of Ryan every month.

I was doing ok, or so I thought.  Then one day I just lost it.  Literally, lost it.  I started sobbing and sobbing and went completely out of my mind for an entire weekend.  That was really the only time that I really questioned my decision for adoption.

The Meeting

I got a call from the agency and they told me the day that I was going to get to meet R. and J.  They explained that Ryan would stay with the foster mom and after we had a chance to get to know each other, if all was going well, then she would bring him to meet them.

What was I going to do?  What was I going to wear?  What was I going to say?  All these questions kept swirling around in my head.  I knew that if I wore the wrong clothes, they wouldn't want to adopt Ryan, so I tried on 57 outfits.  I knew that if I said the wrong thing, they wouldn't want to adopt Ryan.  If my hair wasn't right, they wouldn't want to adopt Ryan.  I was so scared I could hardly breathe.

Mom had made me make an appointment with a psychologist and I had started taking antidepressants, and my depression was lifting some, but I was still in constant terror and cried most of the time.

When the day finally came Mom drove me to the agency and I sat there waiting for R. and J. to come.  Was I early, or were they late?  Maybe they changed their minds, why would they be late if they really wanted to adopt my baby?  Something was wrong.  Come to find out, the agency asked me to arrive before them so I could chat with them for a while before the prospective adoptive parents arrived. 

Finally they came and we introduced ourselves.  They were so sweet, and not a lot older than I.  They seemed so in love.  R. was very quiet and soft spoken, but when he did speak it was always worth listening to.  J. was more like me, she liked to talk and we hit it off immediately.  Soon I was sure that I wanted them to raise Ryan, I knew that they would be wonderful parents.  After a while one of the agency staff asked me if I wanted the foster mom to bring Ryan and I agreed.

When he showed up, he had changed so much in the two weeks since I had seen him last.  I didn't look at R., but when J. saw him I saw the love in her eyes.  She already loved him so much, I was certain that this was the right decision.  Everyone held him for a while and we talked and talked. 

At one point Sandy pulled me to the side and asked me what I thought of R. and J. and I told her that they were definitely Ryan's parents.  

We told them that if they wanted to that they adoption would proceed and J. teared up.  I was holding Ryan and just then he started fussing and crying.  I looked at R. and said "here Daddy, you need practice", and handed him the baby.  No sooner did he take Ryan and he stopped crying.  It was awesome.

The paper work would be finished the following day, and they asked me if it was ok for them to take him to the hotel with them for the night.  I agreed, and kissed my little man goodbye.   My mom gave him a beautiful quilt and some other items she got for him and I gave him the baptismal gown that his cousins had been baptized in.  

It was a strange moment, I felt such happiness, but I also felt this horrible emptiness in my heart.  I smiled on the outside, but on the inside it felt as though someone was ripping out my soul.

Ryan was exactly one month old, and R. and J. gave me two wonderful things.  First, a photo album that they promised to fill up, which they have, and their address, so I could always be in contact with them.  That was wonderful.  I was giving them the most precious thing in my life and they gave me the promise that he would always be in my life.

When I walked away that day, it would be six months before I saw him again in person.

Moving Foreward

Terminating parental rights is not something that you can do quickly.  As with most legal matters, you have to give them a chance to sign the papers themselves, then they have to be served to appear in court, then you have to wait for the court date, then it comes and when Ray didn't show, his parental rights were over. This took forever and Ryan was nearly a month old, and yet did not have any parents.  Until I found out that Ray had no rights to try to take Ryan from me, I couldn't relax.  I was so scared that he would try to fight me to keep Ryan, and I would never let that man raise this amazing little child.  On the other hand, I was in no condition mentally, physically or financially to raise him myself, so the termination had to go through, luckily it did.  Now we could proceed with getting Ryan into his new home.

Then next step would be to meet R. and J. and I was terrified.

Hurry up and wait.

Now that the initial phone call was made, and Ryan was with a foster mom, all I had to do was wait.  Wait to meet R. and J. for the first time and see if they did in fact want to adopt Ryan.  Wait for the time to run out and Ray be taken to court and his parental rights terminated.  Wait to see if my dad would ever speak to me again.  Wait to find out if I would ever want to breathe again.  Wait to see if I would eventually take my own life.

The depression was at it's worst and I could barely function.  If it required more effort than breathing, I didn't have the strength to do it.  Something had to happen or I was going to just stop living.  I have never been a place so dark, so cold, so alone.  I pray that I am never there again.

The Phone Call

After I chose R. and J. for perspective adoptive parents the next step is a phone call. This call scared me to death. What do you say to someone you have never met, but they are an vital part of the most important thing that you will ever do in your entire life. It's rather daunting to say the least. I knew when they would be call, what day it would be and I just sat by the phone staring at it, all day. Finally, in the early evening around six or so the phone rang and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I slowly answered the phone with my heart in my throat and could barely mutter a hello. For about 5 minutes it was very awkward on both my and J.'s parts, but before we both knew it, two and a half hours had passed and it seemed as though I had known her for years and that she was already a part of my family. I spoke to R. for only a couple of minutes, but you know men, it takes them longer to become friends. I had this exhaustive list of questions that I wanted to ask J., but the more I spoke to her the less important that list meant to me. I was finding out about her as a person and what kind of character she had, and the interview style that I had imagined was not needed. Before the end of our conversation that lasted until almost 9:30 I knew that these were the parents for my beautiful little son. They were as perfect as I could ever dream of. I knew that they loved each other and would love Ryan just as much, and that was all that mattered. I just hoped that they felt the same way about me.

Signing the papers

I always thought that signing all the paperwork to buy a car was a long drawn out process, I was wrong. Signing adoption papers is unbelievably horrible. There are only about 100 pages that have to be read then signed and initialed on EVERY page. Just when you know that you can't take any more, there is more. It seemed to take forever to finish, and when we were finally done I was dehydrated from crying so much and completely exhausted.

I went home and collapsed and knew that soon, R. and J. would be calling. I was so scared and nervous. I had no idea what to say to the people that I was hoping would adopt my child. How do you ask someone to take your "mistake"? What do you say to someone who you desperately need to raise your child? I couldn't even breath thinking about how the conversation would go. What if I said something stupid? What if I said something that offended them and they decided that they didn't want my baby? What if they hated me? The what ifs were eating me alive.