It's Time

Time went by so quickly many things weren't in place when I went into labor. Ray's parental rights had not yet been terminated. I had no idea what was going to happen, and I was still scared. I had one false trip to the hospital. That was no fun, since of course it was in the middle of the night.

When I finally went into labor it was morning and we headed to the hospital. It was around noon when we got there and I saw no sign of my doctor. Finally at 7 o'clock he showed up and informed me that I couldn't get an epidural because it was too late. I had only been asking for it all day, but now it was too late. The back contractions were horrible and I did not believe that I could do it. I was taken to another room, away from my mom and after what seemed like forever my baby was born. I got a quick glance, the doctor said "You have a son", and he was rushed away.

I never heard him cry, and no one told me what was happening. They took him away, and then they took me to my room.

Movement

I still couldn't believe I was pregnant. I didn't look pregnant and I didn't feel pregnant. The horrible thing was that I never felt the baby move. No doctor ever told me this, but I'm sure that all the meds I took basically kept that tiny little person sedated all the time, and that terrified me. My OBYN was an horrible doctor. He treated me like some bug he scrapped off his shoe and rarely even spoke to me. He was concerned about the baby and sent me to the hospital for tests. They hooked me up to monitors and then made me drink juice and lay on my side, and finally, after what seemed like forever, the baby moved. I wanted to cry, but by this time, I don't think that I had any more tears left. I couldn't believe what I had done. It finally became very real. There was a little person inside me, and I had done good for this child, I had only abused it with alcohol, prescription drugs and neglect.

I wanted to die.

The Call

They told me that Ray had to be informed so that his parental rights could be terminated, and that they would be willing to handle this for me. I thought about it for a while and decided that it would be better if I handled the call, he might take it better coming from me, rather than a stranger. I was wrong.

I told him that I was pregnant and going to place the baby for adoption. Then he spoke. It first started out with how much he loved me and that we could get married and love each other and the baby and the world would be wonderful. When I told him that would never happen, he then went started yelling and said that we would never allow me to give away his baby and that he would fight me and get custody and he would raise the baby. Then it turned into how my parents were making me do this and that he was going to come and kill my parents and burn down their house. At this point he was insane and I hung up.

Two hours passed and the phone rang, and he was telling me how much he loved me, and I just stuck to my guns and told him that I couldn't do than. When he would start screaming and ranting and threatening me I just hung up. These calls happened several times a day until after the baby was born.

Finally I just laid the law down. He would never see this child. I would never give him the chance to poison this baby. If he wants to fight, I would somehow raise this baby myself and get a restraining order against him and he would know that he had a child living living 10 minutes away and also know that he would never be able to see it. So fight if you want, but you will never win.

Apparently he didn't listen because he still called and would tell me how much he loved me, and then snap into a rage and threaten to kill me.

By the way, we didn't have caller ID or even voice mail, so if I didn't answer it would ring 200 times then he would call again.

This was my life, and I had no one to blame but myself for getting here.

They Agency

I called the next agency and a wonderful woman answered the phone. She said that she could see me the following day, and I just knew that they were going to help me. I was so scared, I didn't know what to expect. How were they going to treat me? What were they going to say? Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all that night, all I could think about is a business of people who would now judge me and make me feel lower than I already did.

Mom drove me to the agency in San Antonio and I braced myself for the worst. I walked in and couldn't believe what happened, they were nice, and understanding and non-judgmental. They really acted as if they cared about me and what was going on. I explained how quickly the baby was coming and they got to work right away. They gave me a birth-parent questionnaire to fill out about me, and the birth-father. It asked all kinds of questions about me, and my family and health issues, how long people had lived and how they had died. Mine was easy to fill out, then I got to Ray's. It was at that point that I understood how little I actually knew about him, and I started to cry. Fortunately, they were very kind and told me to do my best and not to worry about the questions I didn't know. I still felt so stupid. I was with this man for over 2 years and got pregnant, but knew very little about him.

I really didn't want any contact with Ray, and I hoped that I could just ignore that fact that he was the father, and as far as I was concerned, he never needed to know, however, by law, he needed to be told.

A blur

What follows is a rather big blur. I remember going home and my mom telling my dad. I remember him yelling and screaming, then not talking to me for about 8 months. I remember going to the OBGYN and them not telling me anything about the baby, because, obviously, I was a horrible person, at least that is how I felt. I had lots of tests and blood work done. Had to completely go cold turkey off all my meds, and somewhere in all this I had to come up with some sort of plan for this baby.

I knew that I was in no condition to parent, so adoption was my only answer. My mom was awesome during all of this. She had to take care of her baby, and I needed to do what was best for my baby. She never pushed me toward any decision, just supported what I wanted.

I had no clue about adoption. All I knew was what I saw in movies where they take the baby away and you never know what happens to it or where it goes. That really scared me, but I really didn't have a choice. I was not any kind of mother that this baby needed, and I wasn't going to have my mom and dad take care of my mistake.

I'm sure you are all thinking that I am now a horrible person calling the baby a mistake. Let me clarify. My situation was a mistake, my pregnancy was a mistake, most of my life was a mistake, but that little baby was not a mistake.

I didn't know what to do or who to talk to, so I grabbed the yellow pages and opened them up to adoption. Man, there are a lot of agencies. I had no idea. Well, we were Lutheran, so I called them first. No answer, and I had no idea what to say on an answering machine. Then I went back to the beginning and started at the A's. The first place I called said that they would get some information to me within a week. "I don't have that kind of time!" I hung up without talking to them any more, then I dialed the following number, and was saved.

You're Pregnant

They wheeled me on a stretcher to another part of the hospital and did a sonogram. At which time the tech informed me that I was almost 8 months pregnant. At this point it hit me what was happening and I broke down.

I had not gained weight. I never felt the baby move. I took almost every narcotic available by prescription. I had done so many things that were harmful to a baby, that this one must be horribly damaged.

I covered my head with a sheet and sobbed. Then I heard them tell my mother that I was pregnant and she sobbed. What had I done? What was I going to do? What had I done? I just wanted to die.

November

My birthday came and passed, I'm sure that my parents did something for me, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was. I was in no real state to celebrate anyway.

On November 8, I was scheduled to get another lumbar sympathetic block at the hospital. Another ordinary day, nothing in particular made it stand out. We got to the hospital, did the pre-op procedures and they wheeled me into the operating room. They gave me my normal dose of medication to make me sleepy and started the procedure, at which time the doctor asked me, "When was your last period?" "I don't know." I answered. "Because there is a boney mass in your abdomen. We need to get an ultrasound."

At this point I had no idea what he was talking about because I was out of my mind on meds. I would soon find out.