It was done. Now what? My entire life changed completely but what is my next move? There should be something that I should be doing, but I have no idea what it would be. For about a week, I just felt really sorry for myself, but then life started again and I had to go to physical therapy, doctor appointments, psychologist appointments, etc. I had some kind of appointment every day, and it really helped to keep my mind off what I just did. I had to focus on me and try to get my life back in some kind of order. I was still not able to walk, or drive and was still not sleeping (when that was all I wanted to do).
At the agency, they kept telling me that I should write a letter to Ryan to let him know my feelings. I didn't know what to say to a child I only met a few times. I started thinking about it, and I realized that even though I only knew him briefly, I would carry him in my heart forever, so I wrote.
I told him how much I love him and that I chose adoption for him and not for me. I knew that I would not be the mother that he needed and knew that R. and J. would give him a wonderful life and love him more than anything else in the world.
It just came from my heart and the letter turned out several pages long, but the thing I kept repeating was that I loved him. I never wanted him to think that he wasn't wanted or love, and that he was never a mistake, I have made so many mistakes in my life, but Ryan is not one of them. He is a miracle.
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