Nothing more than a zombie

I was released from the hospital the next day and I went home.  I walked in the door and headed straight to the bedroom and hit the bed.  I'm not sure how long I was there, but I didn't leave for a few days.  I just slept all the time.  Fortunately, Rick could get the kids to school and home again and make supper, etc., because I physically and emotionally couldn't leave the bed.

Rick called everyone to let them know about the miscarriage and I just couldn't talk to anyone.  After about  a week I finally decided to leave the safety of my bed and decided to venture to the mail box and got the mail.  I started looking through the various letters when I saw an envelope from our insurance, I opened it.  Big mistake.  The letter was refusing a bill, because they wouldn't pay for an abortion.  I lost it.  Retreated back to bed and when Rick got home he had to call and yell at the idiots that I didn't have an abortion, I had a DNC due to a miscarriage.  It wasn't pleasant.

I don't remember Christmas that year.  I know I tried to fake it for the kids and made it through somehow.  I'm not really sure how long it took me to withdraw from the safe haven of my bed, but I was there for a good long while, and when I finally did leave, I was really nothing more than a zombie.

By mid January I was starting to come around, but I still couldn't look at anything that had to do with babies.

I missed that little one that was so tiny, that baby was mine.  I saw his/her heartbeat and she/he was alive and then not.  When I got pregnant I finally felt alive for the first time in my life, and then not.