So Charming

Don't get me wrong, Ray was so charming and charismatic. He could convince you of anything with a smile and a tilt of his head. He could also be very sweet and romantic, and was very passionate. Unfortunately, his passion could get very intense at times. His Latino passion and my German hard-headedness made for some full-out, no holds barred, fights. Neither he or I would give in and the arguments could get ugly. At first they were always verbal, and I would usually walk away feeling as though I had done something terribly wrong. I always said the wrong thing, looked the wrong way, or had "that look" on my face and Ray was really good at making everything my fault, and I believed him. Unfortunately, my addiction to him, like any dangerous drug, dulled my senses and I was held prisoner to his will. Before I knew it, I went from a smart, independent, woman, to a little girl who depended on her "man" to make all the decisions.

Once, after a particularly nasty argument, I left him. Walked out and didn't look back. I didn't call and took another route to work so I didn't have to pass his house on the way. I was able to stay away for only a few short months, and in that time I met David who felt that beating the hell out of me was a competitive sport. So like most addicts, I ended up crawling back to Ray, because, "hey, he doesn't get drunk and hit me, so how bad is he really?". Dumb call on my part.

For a while after our reconciliation, things were good, until I caught him kissing and groping a mutual friend of ours. At the moment I just walked away, as not to cause a scene, but it really hurt. Was she that much thinner and prettier than me? Why would he do that when he always got so upset when I would even casually look at another man? What was wrong with me?

Obviously, I was the problem. I was not a good enough girl friend and that is why he felt it necessary to cheat on me. It had to be my fault. I didn't mention it for a long time, then one day I did, and I still to this day regret opening my mouth. It was horrible, I had never seen this side of Ray and I had never been so scared in my life. We yelled and agued and fought, then he crossed the line.