How did I get here?

The year was 1994 and my life had gone to a place that I, still to this day, don't understand how I got there. I was single and after a long string of horrible relationships I met Ray. Ray was a firefighter in a sister fire department and it was lust at first sight. Not love, because what we had could never be described as love.

I was a firefighter and EMT with our local volunteer fire department, and I loved it. Adrenalin was my drug of choice. I was 19 and was young, blonde and in great shape. I met Ray for the first time at a local elementary school when our departments were showing kids how to "stop, drop and roll", and letting them see us in our full bunker gear and know that we were there to help in an emergency and not to be afraid. The attraction was immediate. We discretely flirted the whole day, and I had to find out more about him. When you only know a first name, it difficult, but I also knew where he worked, so it helped. Unfortunately, the chief's name was also Ray, so it was a little more challenging, but I finally tracked him down, and before long we were dating.

Ray was 13 years older that I a was, and it was so thrilling to be dating an older man. He was so handsome. Dark hair, dark skin. Ray's family was from Spain, and with my German/Irish background we were quite the couple.

It wasn't always bad, but the signs were there from the beginning, but unfortunately, I was too young to see them. Looking back, I can see now that Ray saw me as a China doll of sorts. Bring me out, show me off, then go back a be quiet. I think that he liked the way I looked on his arm more than he actually liked me. I on the other hand became quickly addicted to him. I say addicted, because I craved being around him, good or bad. He was a drug to me, and I don't know why but I needed him, and he knew it and used my addiction. He had the control, and took full advantage of it.