What Ifs

After I woke up on December 12th covered in blood, I woke up Rick and he immediately took me to the emergency room.  They took me back right away and put me in a bed.  The male nurse was asking me all these questions about how much I had been bleeding and I really had no answers for him, I only knew that I was loosing my baby.  I kept asking if I was miscarrying and all he would say was that it was probably my body's way of telling me that I had to slow down and take it easy.  I wanted to badly to punch him in the face.  How on Earth would he know.  A woman knows what is happening with her body, and I knew my baby was dead.  I just cried and cried.  Soon the doctor came and did an exam and said, "I don't know if you have miscarried yet, but your cervix is wide open."  Then he walked out of the room.  That was all he said to me.  A few minutes later a nice woman from ultrasound came and confirmed that there was no longer a fetus.  I just wanted to die.  My baby was gone.

Rick was wonderful.  He never faltered and was strong for me.  I didn't want him to call my parents right away in case I was wrong, but he said that I really needed my mom there, and I didn't argue.  It was around 3am when he called and said that I was in the E.R. and that I needed them to come.  It seemed like only seconds passed and they were there.  I found out later that Rick had also called his mom, and she said ok, and then hung up.  He needed her and she couldn't bother getting out of bed.  I also later found out that when my parents got there Rick lost all composure.  He nearly collapsed into my mom's arms and she hugged him the way that he needed his mother to hug him.  I am so thankful that my husband could be so strong for me, and that my parents could be strong for him.  I couldn't be strong for anyone.

They took me to a room and before long Dr. K. was there to see me and she cried with me.  I needed someone at the hospital to stop being so clinical and share my grief.  I needed those tears.  I asked where the baby went and she explained that since I wasn't very far along my body just absorbed the baby, and that I had two choices.  I could have a DNC to clean everything up, or I could let nature take it's course.  I'm not sure how I could think ahead, but I asked which way would make my body heal faster so that I could try again sooner.  She said the DNC.  I also asked why I miscarried and she said lots of things can cause a miscarriage.

To this day I don't know if it was stress of if I still had residual medications in my system that killed my baby, or if it was something all together different, but no matter, there is still a lot of guilt involved and a lot of what ifs.  What if I had waited a little longer to make sure all the meds were gone?  What if I hadn't let the kids stress me out so much?  What if?  What if?  What if?