Just let me die.

Soon my mom came and was told that I was in the nursery and came to see me. She walked in and I could see the pain in her face. Looking at her baby holding a baby of her own. She asked to hold him and I could see how I was tearing her heart out. This was her first grand baby (close to home) and soon he would be gone. Again I felt like the worst person in the world. I was destroying so many lives with my actions, I knew that I could never make things right again.

After a while the nurse came in and told me that I would be discharged soon and had to complete some paperwork before I left, so I had to go back to my room. We both said good-bye to the baby and left him. So tiny and helpless and here I was, leaving him alone. He would have to stay in the hospital for a few days, and then the agency foster mom would come and pick him up. My duties as a mother were over.

When back in the room a lady came down and wanted me to fill out the paperwork for his birth certificate. When it came time to name him I knew what his name should be.

When my mom was pregnant with me, everyone was sure that I would be a boy and they only decided on a boys name. Now, my dad, being the person he is, decided that all his children would have the same initials. My sister is René Denise, my brother is Richard Desmond, my dad is Richard Dale and I was to be Ryan Daniel. Well obviously, I came out a girl and became Robyn Deborah. So when the lady asked, I named my son Ryan Daniel. Even if his new parents changed his name, he would have mine for a little while.

I saw my mom's heart break again, and once again I felt that I shouldn't have done that. I just kept screwing everything up.

Not long after that, I was discharged from the hospital and had to leave Ryan behind. I was abandoning him and I just wanted to die. He had no advocate there at the hospital that was "family". I knew that one day he would realize what a horrible person his mother was and would be glad that I didn't raise him.