I was wrong

I had convinced myself that this was going to be easy. I didn't know I was pregnant until recently, I was placing the child for adoption. Piece of cake.

They wheeled me from my room to the nursery and the first thing I saw was the incubator with a tiny little person inside. As I got closer I could see the cannula helping him get oxygen and how small he was. He weighed almost 8 pounds, but to me he was very small.

When I got there the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him and I said yes. She carefully removed him from his little plastic house and placed him in my arms. I looked down and this little person and my heart almost exploded and I started to cry. I loved him. I loved him in a way that I had never felt in my life and never wanted to let him go. All I could do was look at his beautiful face and cry.

Eventually, I composed myself enough to form words. I told him that I was him mommy and that I loved him. Then my mind started to grasp at straws. You can do this I told myself. You can raise this amazing little person. Just grab him up and run away. I knew if I just loved him enough, I could do this.

I sat for a long time thinking of ways that I could make it work, but no of them would have ever worked in a million years, because I couldn't do it. I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone a child. I wasn't what this baby needed. He needed parents who could take care of him physically, (I couldn't), financially, (I couldn't) and emotionally (I couldn't). I was a mess and all I could do for this baby was mess him up to. He needed people who were in a better place than I was. I couldn't do it and I just wanted to die. He was a piece of me and very soon, that piece would be gone forever.